For The Love Of All That's Holy, K+M Gamers, Help My Newbie Ass!S

Hello, my name is Sloopy, and I hate gaming with a K+M. Hate it. I'm also aware that's not the smartest statement to make at the beginning of a post asking for help with a K+M. But if doing the smartest thing helped me move forward in life, I'd be stuck at "Freshman College Student" level well into my 30s.

Oh, wait ...

Anyway, enough about me — could we please move forward and talk about helping me?

BioShock 2 requires a K+M on the PC. Why? Because 2K is passive-aggressive. But that's neither here nor there. I've swallowed all that I hate (that's another article, entirely) and have played 4 hours into the game, regardless. And, despite despising it, I've learned I'm fairly decent playing with a K+M.

Wanna know what I suck at? Playing in front of a teensy tiny 21" monitor. I like sitting in my lazy chair, being lazy, and playing on my 50" HDTV (it does 3D!). Plus, I get full 1080P that way (my monitor only goes up to 720). And bragging rights.

Gotta love bragging rights.

Anyway, now that I've discovered that, while nearly intolerable, gaming with a K+M is possible, I want to play all the games I have bought but that I haven't played because they require a K+M control scheme.

I've discovered a method to play on my recliner. I rest a makeshift PC desk (one of those long guitar Hero II boxes — don't ask me why I still have one) on the arms of the chair and there I can rest the K+M above my lower gut ("upper gut" is a thing, right? I heard it's a common move in Street Fighter), penis and taint.

The problem?

My K+M won't reach. It's like being chained up and having a sexy, sexy lady 7 inches away from you, but only having a 6 inch dick. Well, not really, but you get the idea.

So I went looking for wireless K+M setups today. My only requirements were that the mouse is optical, that it has a scroll wheel and AT LEAST 4 programmable buttons (2 on the side and the main 2) and that you can sit 20 feet from the wireless signal and have shit work and have that shit be fast (like shit is after a bowl of oatmeal with a side of Metamucil).

My only other requirement? It cost me $25 or less. And that's where I hit a brick wall. And where I need your advice.

I'm wondering, K+M PC gamers, if you could link me to a K+M with the specifications/requirements I need? What are you using? How well has it worked? Is my Guitar Hero 2 as a makeshift computer desk genius, or what? Did you know that bending over a computer desk to play games is a huge cause of hemorrhoids? Look it up. I'd provide pictures, but I'm sure they'd be taken down.

Now, I gotta run. I have this beautiful woman 7 inches away from me and need to hop over to Fleshbot and ask the secret to adding an extra inch to your manhood.