As I look around my dusty cell, I can't help but reflect on the incidents that led to the authorities of Vidja Gameia to arrest me on charges of "Being the worst thing that has ever happened to multiple fictional populations since My Little Pony was rebooted".
It wasn't always this way. I remember quite fondly my days of freeing small animals from their robotic prisons and attempting to help Mario cure a virus unlike any other sometime after he completed medical school (it's sad that he gave up this lifetime achievement when he discovered the money inherent in illegal underground fighting rings). But somewhere along the way, I lost sight of it all, and brought sorrow and ruin to the population of nearly every video game I touched.
These are the 3 gaming worlds I owe the biggest apologies to.
- To The Citizens of Boston and the Surrounding Area ( Assassin's Creed 3)
To you, I apologize. I know there was some big war either brewing or going on while I was there. And some tribes were being harassed and attacked, and there was also some weird alien stuff. I'm not sure. All I know is that it was completely historically accurate.
So I'm sorry that I came around and decimated the wildlife population. The reason your children will never know what a rabbit is outside of pictures? That was me. I am the infamous Wabbit Swayer. Dive bombing them from the tops of trees was just too much fun. So much fun, in fact, that I spent far too many hours doing so, and I'm now sure not a single rabbit exists outside the Boston area.
But really, your wildlife struck first. Did you know your bears run in packs? What kind of crap is that?! You have packs of man-eating bears running around your forests, just outside your city, and you're worried about some tea?!! C'mon, you people aren't the British! ( Too soon?) Also, if you had made your city a little more interesting, maybe I would've stayed in it. So really, this is kind of your fault.
- To The Residents of New Austin and Mexico ( Red Dead Redemption)
To you, I apologize. Your wildlife population got it even worse than the AC3 people. And I was far worse to your citizens. I was stuck in a vicious cycle where I killed hundreds, if not thousands, of your beavers and rabbits just to afford ammunition to go shoot at your people. Just so I could rob them to afford ammunition to go shoot your wildlife. And all those people found dead, hog-tied and left on the train tracks? Yea, that was me. I'm not sure how that was part of the equation now, but believe me it was important then.
Then, I finally leave and relative peace returns to the areas of New Austin and Mexico. For a time. A fair year-and-a-half later, I not only return, but I return with friends. Not ordinary friends either, like you fine folk. No, my friends and I arrive immortal, unable to die and simply appearing elsewhere when filled with bullets. And we began terrorizing your small town of Chuparosa.
But really, none of that was my fault. Like the AC3 people, your wildlife struck first. Your cougar problem is out of control. They killed dozens of my best horses, doing thousands upon thousands of dollars in damage upon my property. And no one seemed to care. And your citizenry was so uncouth I was challenged three times a day for pistol duels, shot at constantly out on the road, and more than once had somebody try to lure me into an ambush behind a wagon or steal my horse.
And Chuparosa isn't my fault. Blame Neryl and TUT, who keep purposefully hiding behind you when I aim my shot. I swear, that's what is happening. I wouldn't lazily use the auto-aim and not check my targets first. Surely, you have to believe that. Surely?
- To The Citizens of The Capitol Wasteland (Fallout 3)
To you, I apologize. You guys had it rough enough already. You dealt daily with the horrors of slavers, bandits, mutants and the occasional crazy super hero battle or alien abduction.You guys lived a rougher life than even Australians, whose children have to wear buckets on their heads on the way to school in order to not have their eyes pecked out by magpies. That's pretty hardcore.
So you shouldn't have had to deal with me. I stole everything from your homes and shops that seemed of value, and some things that did not. And I realize how bad it looks that I received a shit-ton of bottle caps and a bitching apartment( with a robot butler!) right after that nuke in Megaton went off.
But really, none of that was my fault. First, I didn't see anyone's name on anything except the doors, and I figured that was just a formality. You should have been clearer on the fact that this lawless society had, well, laws. And I just want you to know that the people of Megaton started that beeswax. I haplessly wandered into a building one day, of no fault of my own, and some robot started shooting at me. And when I exited the building after offering a full apology, the people of Megaton all joined in and started shooting as well. I had no choice but to set the nuke to blow so I could make my escape. I am simply a victim of circumstance.
- In Conclusion
So now that my side of the story has been told, it is my hope that you, the citizens of these gaming worlds, will find it in your virtual hearts to not only be lenient in your sentencing, but grant me a full pardon. The evidence really speaks for itself, except where I have pointed out it doesn't. I ask, no, demand my request be met, as well as my request for permission to move on to a new world. Preferably somewhere sunny.