The Max Payne 3 Tapes: Hoboken (No Jokin')SThis is the second part of a series wherein I play Max Payne 3 and learn lessons about life (I think). Most of them aren’t very good . You can read the first one here. Spoilers for chapters 4-6 ahead.

I shot ONE Guido. One. I don’t care how rich his daddy is, there are way too many people and guns happening as a result of this. And like, eight snipers with laser sights bearing down on me, which is absolutely eight snipers with laser sights more than Guido-shooting should warrant.

I should also mention that this is in Hoboken. I live close to Hoboken, and I’m quite sure that there aren’t nearly this many automatic weapons in Hoboken. It’s preposterous. Have you been to Hoboken lately? There are way more babies than guns. Hoboken is like a place that used to be cool, and then a jumbo jet just carpet bombed the city with infants. It’s a city full of babies, bars, PATH trains, and the unfortunate adults trapped in between them. It’s also boom town for babysitters. A good babysitter is never out of work in Hoboken.

But we were talking about Guidos, and how you should never shoot them. For the record, I don’t think you should shoot anyone, but it’s Max Payne’s preferred method of human interaction, which is probably why he doesn’t have a lot of friends and consumes painkillers and whiskey like popcorn and Pepsi. But what do I know. Max is the center of a multimillion-dollar entertainment franchise, I spend a good five minutes wondering if I really need that next cup of coffee (answer: yes, always).

Guidos and misrepresented Hoboken aside, I really like this part of the game. It’s vintage Max Payne, snowy weather and hilarious leopard print neckties and seedy apartments with crazy conspiracy theorists who blow themselves up. It’s great stuff.

But it’s also a flashback level, which means it has to end.

The next chapter is really boat-y and swamp-y and shoot-y, but I don’t feel like talking about it because I found a TV there and got really excited for some more Amor e Damas but nothing was really on and so I’m going to hold a grudge and pretend this chapter never happened.

The chapter after that, however, is the best, because the whole thing is pretty much an escort mission where you shoot a bunch of guys to try and get Maurice Moss from The IT Crowd to your boss’s server room so the paramilitary goons won’t blow you all up. So no matter what actually happened, all I could think about was this:

‘nuff said.

Image by: r0sss/Flickr